Another Epiphany

I come up with these from time to time, but rarely do I write them down. I feel as though I want to share this revelation with other souls willing to hear. I will preface all I am about to say with this: the following is from my mind alone, developed by the influences of C.S. Lewis, John Elderidge, the Rightly Divided Word, and Eric and Leslie Ludy.

As I (and God) have been doing much inner-workings in myself, I haven’t been very social lately, and for that I apologize. Plus, not having a car, and working 40+ hours a week leaves little time for much else… meaning I have no life, according to the world’s standards. But that wasn’t much of a concern to begin with. ^_^

Anyway… as Smee so elegantly put it: “lightning… struck my brain!” (Kudos to the person who can quote the reply!)

So, what have I been mulling over these past couple of weeks? Life. I know, not much. Just existence in general. I’ve been feeling “ontologically light” these days, and can’t pin myself down ^_~ pardon the pun.

From the first day of being to my inevitable end, what on EARTH am I on Earth for? (another pardon, please) No occupation or location can possibly be the answer, I have deduced. I will not be totally happy or satisfied with being a millionaire. It is empty fortune. Knowledge and books… all there is to know about life will not fill the void of a soul, longing. Love of family and friends… STILL… it does not satiate.

Total, COMPLETE and fulfilling happiness does not come from the world, or our success in life. This fact hit me like a brick wall and a wrecking ball. All my theories and ideas of what I wanted out of life was reduced to rubble in a matter of breaths. Happiness… is not the point?

I am not the center of attention on God’s stage? I am not the lead character? How can I come to grips with NOT being what the center of the universe revolves around? Like a child, I wanted to rebel. I often still blush in displeasure thinking about the psychological damage this is doing to me.

I am 3 years old, twirling in the Cinderella-dress my Grandma made for me. It twinkles and sparkles, and my eyes light up, and I’m grinning widely… dancing for all to see…! And everyone looks away. They pay attention to something else. Tears ensue, and when that doesn’t work… and I can find no one to pay attention to me… I become nothing… alone… I cease to exist. This empty feeling in the depths of my soul cries out to be heard.

This mindset can only be understood after the fact, and not during. As a child, I thought as a child, spoke as a child… and I did not understand any other way, because what I did not know then, has taken my LIFETIME to learn. Funny how that is. A mountain of knowledge cannot be attained or climbed in one step. In this, patience has been a virtue I did not possess.

I often wonder if psychology is a field of study I could pursue in this life. But then I wonder what good it would do me… in the end.
What is all this for? This fleeting happiness… this ephemeral joy? It comes from God… He created everything in this world, and this life for us to enjoy, yes. But there is MORE to it. We are here, not for US, but for HIM. Because of Him we live, move and have our being (where is the written?)

EVERY happiness derived from this earth, and this life, are ephemeral. Though happiness and joy come from God’s beauty, and this wonderful creation around us, it is temporal, broken… and imperfect.

We are here for a short time. The love, joy and beauty we share today… in a blink of an eye is gone and tomorrow we may behold eternity. And THAT is our TRUE destiny. An eternity with our Creator, our Father, our Lover.

This life is a “proving ground.” We are here to grow, to learn and to become the warriors, poets, champions, princes, princesses, ladies, and loves… for our God.

We are all called to follow His intricate design for each of our lives, ultimately leading us to Him, and a life eternal. A PERFECT life without tears, imperfection and pain; a life of overflowing love of and from God.

The lives He has for us are not the lives we think, or the ones we try to create for ourselves. We become lost in our own plots and lose sight of HIS.

We all live lives of quiet desperation because deep down we yearn for something more that does not and CANNOT come from this world. The truth we hate to admit is… this life does NOT fulfill.

Yes, it is a gift, this life and this earth. We all get caught up with what is good in life, thinking that it’s enough… but deep in our soul we know it is vapid, and tasteless compared to what is to come. It is our head that get in the way of our SOUL. Honestly our head and our ‘heart’ (not the blood-pumping organ!) are one and the same. Our emotions are different from out thoughts only so long as our emotions do NOT become HOW WE THINK. But our soul is a far deeper thing. It perceives what our sense cannot. It speaks to God, what words can never describe. I believe our soul is what beholds true beauty.

I love this beauty that God has blessed us all with! Examine a snowflake, experience a warm summer sunset in the arms of a loved one! Enjoy the laughter of a child! These all bring me to tears of joy to my soul… and yet… it is unfathomable to think of how much MORE wonderful Heaven will be. My mind cannot comprehend it.

When I think of all the world’s troubles, and the woes of my own existence… it all seems less concerning (whether or not I have the RIGHT career, whether or not I graduate from a 4-year university, where I will live, even if I get married… or not) when I truly attempt to acknowledge the grander scheme; the bigger story. His story… is the one I want to glorify… not my own.

I am tired of searching after my own ‘glorious’ story. It really isn’t all that OR a bag of chips…! If my story means anything, it is to contribute to a much more grandiose romance. God’s love story to the world is the one we’re all a part of. We each play a destined character.

I believe that it is ONLY through God that our stories become great, and when we get out of the spotlight, we become a better reflection of His love. Perhaps we truly show Him love by loving ourselves less and honoring Him more than the petty “gods” we worship throughout the day.

There are more “gods” in my life than I can count. To me, a ‘god’ is anything I put first on my priority-list, and God is somewhere in the corners of my mind… like a nagging errand. That is NOT where He wants to be… and I have taken His directions lightly. I question Him constantly… because I struggle to trust that He knows what He’s doing.

I get nervous when He’s got the pen, and He’s writing my life-story! I want to yank it out of His hand and say, “well, how about this? This sounds better, right?” when really all I did was scribble. When I look back at all I have written, it’s illegible, ink-splotched pages that when you can read them, it’s stilted and disingenuous, AT BEST. None of it is romantic or beautiful. When it IS any “good,” I look at what GOD wrote, and all of my “good” pales in comparison to His BEST.

Nothing He has ever written in my life has been anything BUT PERFECT. It brings me to tears at its beauty. I think to myself, “what am I doing? To think that I am so ‘great’ of a writer as to be able to out-write God??” And I see how in control his penmanship is… and how beautifully He writes… and I am speechless.

I do not believe God has chosen only ONE outcome for each of my life. He knew every possible outcome, already knowing the count of hairs on my head, and every thought I would ever think, and every choice I would ever make… and He wrote each one of the many possible tales of this short “blink of an existence,” that I will live… and He wrote it to perfection. His stories have no mistakes in them. Through everything that seems to be a mistake, an accident, or just plain abysmal… through every flaw in life, God turns it all for good.

If life were easy, we wouldn’t learn. And I believe the reason we learn is to grow. The reason we grow is to become stronger. And not in vain, I firmly believe. Though a good 90% of life is pain, the things we do hold onto (our love, our memories, our lessons, our wisdom) that are of true value, I believe we take that with us. I know, nothing that cannot fit through the eye of a needle will we take with us, but memories and love… they hold no weight, yet they are the greatest force in all of our hearts. And as we become stronger for God, and our treasures are stored there… I believe once we get there, our true destinies can be fulfilled.

I still have a death-grip on the idea of having a great life. And He did design the world to be enjoyed, fully. But I must also acknowledge that it will matter naught if I had a nice house or shiny masters’ degree hanging on its wall… the more I read God-breathed truths, the more I am able to submit. I still don’t know what God has planned for my life… but that is okay, because He does… and I am finally learning to TRULY trust Him on that.